It’s time to feed your soul!
Addressing psychological needs is vital for overall well-being and mental health. By meeting these needs, individuals experience greater emotional stability, reduced stress, and enhanced resilience, enabling them to effectively manage life’s challenges. This focus on psychological well-being also improves relationships, boosts productivity, and fosters personal fulfilment, leading to a healthier, more balanced life.
KHAMSA sat down with Dr. Chasity O’Connell, Psychologist and Clinical Director at Thrive Wellbeing Centre, Dubai, to discuss psychological unmet needs and their significance in the field of psychology.
١. Psychological hunger is a concept not many are familiar with. Could you shed light on what it is and share some telltale signs?
In this context, we are talking about “unmet (psychological) needs” or the hurt or neglected inner child that more people may be familiar with. Now, in the eating disorders/disordered eating realm, some clinicians may use the term “psychological hunger” to distinguish between “physiological hunger” (the sensation of the feeling of an empty stomach and the body’s signalling for food) and psychological hunger (or the urge to eat without being hungry, can be a craving, can be driven by emotions). More often than not, they refer to this more specifically as “emotional hunger” (not necessarily psychological hunger).
Here, we are talking about that deep yearning for feeling loved, accepted, seen, or belonging. I use the term ‘hunger’ because for many people, this desire feels like a deep unexplainable ache – a yearning. From the moment we are born, our little bodies are primed to be loved and comforted – many people (for a variety of reasons) do not receive all that they need to psychologically thrive. I use the term ‘hunger’ because for many people, this desire feels like a deep unexplainable ache.
Some of the telltale signs – -well, that is a bit tricky. So, it is impossible and not advisable to have every need met after a certain point in our lives. As babies, we need an attentive and responsive caregiver. A newborn, for example, should be fed on demand to the extent possible (of course, we MUST take care of our new mamas and support them during this emotionally and physically demanding time – many women face this alone and it is so difficult).
But, over time, the infant/child grows and learns that they can’t have everything all at once all the time. As we grow, it is important to experience developmentally-appropriate limits and challenges. So, throughout infancy and childhood, there is this delicate dance between being there for the child, and allowing the child to experience (developmentally-appropriate and attuned) frustrations and challenges. However, some children do not experience this. They may experience neglect, or abuse, or preoccupied, emotionally-depleted parents that are unable to give what they don’t have. In these cases, these children can grow into adults that have certain themes that show up in their lives. Some of these themes can have to do with the following:
● Abandonment – the feeling that no one is there for you
● Rejection – the feeling that people don’t want you
● Non-belonging – the feeling that you don’t fit in anywhere (even in a room with your family); you feel like an outsider
And so, it is natural to have these feelings at various points in our lives–adversity is a necessary ingredient to building resilience and deepening our sense of self. A friend lets us down in a major way, a break-up, or feeling left-out–these are all natural and healthy experiences. But if you find that these feelings show up regularly in your life and you can’t seem to shake them, then it could be something deeper that simply weathering life’s challenges.
٢. How much does a difficult childhood play a part in psychological unmet needs piling up?
Oohh, this is tricky. There are many excellent and reputable resources that can offer great explanations of how this works and you can learn about your attachment style. But, one caveat, this is not the end-all-be-all and your childhood does NOT dictate your outcome. It does have a deep influence, but it can be mitigated by other important and loving figures in our childhood. For example, a warm and loving nanny, a wonderful teacher, a fantastic auntie or cousin, and great neighbour–these can have a profound impact on changing the trajectory. So, if you are reading this thinking, my parents were so absent, try and gently reflect on other people that may have had a hand in caring about you. It will still hurt to think about what we didn’t emotionally receive from our parents, but we may find that we had some unsung heroes in our life.
It is in these past reflections where it can help to work with a licensed, trained, and vetted professional therapist. Sometimes in looking back, we can be vulnerable to challenges with memory and emotions. Our memory is deeply impacted by emotions. And so, it can be helpful to work with someone that can help us sift through this in a way that does not harm us more.
٣. It is normal to be self-critical of your mistakes and failures. At what point, however, does said criticism devolve to become a psychological issue?
Of course! Self-evaluation, even self-criticism, when done in a compassionate and growth-centered way can be powerful and helpful. When we have made a mistake (which we will invariably do, and often – we are not perfect and should not live in the illusion that we can be), acknowledging it, owning it, forgiving yourself, and trying to make amends is the stuff that mental wellbeing is made of.
Self-criticism becomes a problem when it is mean or cruel, causes us to hide in shame or react in blame, or is unbalanced (we accept all the bad things and fail to acknowledge the good). It is a problem when it is our automatic go-to. It is a problem when it becomes the dominant theme in our lives and we start struggling with depression symptoms, anxiety symptoms, and struggles in our relationships and it doesn’t get better in time.
٤. In your years of experience, how is the healing process from psychological hunger mostly like?
Not to sound cliche, but it depends. It depends on the extent of the psychological pain and suffering, the support that the person has had, the good experiences, their resilience, etc.
For some, simply building awareness of what has happened and how it impacts their life is enough to help them make choices to do things differently. For others, they may need skills to manage the emotional intensity or reactivity to manage these deep psychological hurts or traumas. For some, it may mean processing the hurts or traumas (but not all traumas need to be talked about directly (and the research supports this) – so, it is important to find an attuned therapist that will help identify and individualised way of trauma processing for you). And for others, they may need longer-term psychotherapy to experience what we call corrective emotional experiences through the therapeutic relationship. All can be immensely helpful – it’s important find a good therapist that can help you collaboratively figure out what you need.
٥. Coping mechanisms are often adopted in response to psychological scars. Is there a fine line between healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms? How does one tell them apart?
This can be a tricky one to answer. Ultimately, coping helps us work through the challenge in a way that helps us grow, and makes us more content (not necessarily happy – this is about managing expectations; happiness is not the goal). Healthy coping, for one, might be unhealthy coping for another. For example, let’s say you had a bad experience at work. So you call up your friend and tell them all about it. For many people, social support is helpful to process, gain insight, and come up with a way to navigate the situation. But for some people, calling a friend can lead to something called co-rumination. Co-rumination takes you further into misery because it is excessive rehashing and dwelling. Now, some con-rumination is fine. But, if this is your default and one of your few coping tools it is unhealthy. But, on the surface it looks fine.
So, in general, if we engage in coping behaviour and it makes us feel worse, makes thesituation worse, saps our capacity for joy, and alienates us from others, then it is not healthy.
٦. What would your advice be to someone who is perhaps relentlessly pursuing perfection and success at the cost of their own mental health?
Oh goodness, this is a huge question. It’s so tough, because I do believe that social media contributes to the illusion that perfection is possible if we try hard enough. And many people who struggle with perfection can also struggle with poor insight or awareness into this tendency. And so, I think it is important to share your love, warmth, and concern with them about how this may be causing them to live a life that is not in alignment with their hopes and values.
٧. Lastly, what habits can one adopt in their daily lives to make sure they do not inflict psychological wounds upon themselves?
I think the best and shortest answer to this is to practise self-care. I wish there was a different term because I think many people have a strong negative reaction to the term. Self-care is not manicures and bubble-baths (although it can be part of it). Self-care is about living a life with meaning, purpose, connection, and values.
If you are continually exhausted from overwork, you will find it hard to show up as a good parent to your children, or a good friend to those you love. If you are constantly posting to chase likes and external validation, you may miss allocating time to those activities that feed you spiritually, emotionally, or mentally. If you overfocus on what you don’t have, and not attend to what you do have, you may find yourself suffering and feeling alienated. And so, these habits of self-care can look like: getting more rest; making time spirituality; making time for creative endeavours, practising gratitude, journaling, making time for nourishing social connections, participating in a cause/activity you believe in; feeding your mind with reading and books; dance or other movement activities; supportive self-talk; acceptance of mistakes; knowing what is yours and what isn’t; growing in self-knowledge of your needs and values, and so much more!
